We went for a nature walk and found ...

a potato and an onion!

Someone obviously dropped their shopping on the way home :) Incidentally, it's our first really cold day, and my girls decide they want to go for a walk, what's with that? We only went around the corner and across a vacant lot, but Midget actually walked herself and Widget took her tricycle with a little basket on the back. They were so cute all rugged up, we're generally a nappy and t-shirt type of family, when we can get Widget to wear anything at all.

I've decided that the best way to cope with Widget and come up with different things to do is to have a theme every week. Yesterday she said she wanted to go for a walk, so I thought we'd make insects our theme. It's working really well so far, she cut out and decorated a butterfly yesterday and today we glued patty pans together to make a caterpillar. Next craft activity will be a cocoon, I might use toilet rolls for her to make one, then we can talk about the lifecycle of butterflies :)

Then today we did our nature walk, and read some books on butterflies. And this morning she discovered an earwig outside, so we spent time watching it and putting rocks in front of it or socks over it to see what it would do. We collected a whole heap of things on our walk, and I'm going to use them for something later on.

It's just making it easier to think of different activities, instead of generic 'drawing' or 'outside.' I feel like I'm teaching again!

Midget is 1!

I no longer have a little baby :( But she is so much fun (the velcro has loosened a little).
She:

• Is walking quite well, it's now her preferred method of getting around except if she's in a hurry (ie I'm out of sight!).
• Has no words but has two signs, feed and finished! Given Widget's speech delay this is very exciting. She's been doing them appropriately if reminded for a few days (ie if I make the feed sign and she doesn't want one she ignores it, but if she does want one she copies it). But today she did both of them spontaneously and appropriately. We were out at the shops and she looked me in the eye and asked for a feed, and later on she let go and sat up, looked at me and signed finished :D :D :D :D :D
• Has amazing comprehension (to me, it's probably completely normal but it's a shock to realise your baby understands you IYKWIM). She was trying to climb off something forwards today and I told her to turn around, she looked at me, spun around and tried to climb off the other side. Not quite what I meant.
• Hugs and kisses. Aaaaaaaw.
• Knows exactly how things work. Give her a bottle and she tries to twist the lid. Give her a tin and she goes for the pull on top. Yesterday we played with shaving cream, today she picked up the can, held it correctly and was 'writing' on the wall with it, then rubbing her other hand over that spot to spread it out.
• Brushes my hair and feeds me.
• Insists on feeding herself, and won't drink from any of the spill proof water bottles. She only wants the ones Widget uses. Sigh.
• Thinks the red dust out the back is a wonderful food. She actually found a spoon this morning and was hoeing in with it.
• Is still a horrendous sleeper.
• Scribbles on the whiteboard and tries to draw on paper.
• Points!
• Likes using the potty, we generally get the first wee of the morning and then it depends on my timing or how busy we are. She reads on the potty.

When Widget snuggled into bed this morning she solemnly told me that Midget was only little and didn't know how to blow out candles yet, so she would have to teach her. She made and decorated a wonderful cake for her.

I'm not a piece of furniture!!!!

I don't know, maybe I'm very permissive and my kids get away with murder.

Maybe I have extremely well bonded children who love me very much.

Maybe my children's love language is touch, and they want to show me how much they love me.

Maybe they are sensitive little souls and need lots of reassurance.

But I seem to have one or other of them attached to me 24/7.

Midget is at least starting to sleep on a mattress on the floor, so there are a couple of hours after she first goes to sleep at night, then she is in with us. She is having extreme separation anxiety, all perfectly understandable when she has been taken to a strange place and is meeting a lot of strange people, but she cries whenever she is out of my arms. I mean she cries if I put her down at my feet to turn on a tap. She cries if Daddy is holding her and I am out of sight. She cries if I am sitting next to her on the ground but not actually holding her! There is some playing in between, but it doesn't feel like very much.

And when she does let go to play, Widget grabs hold. I don't mind giving her cuddles because of the endless round of trips and scrapes, I don't mind the feeds and I don't mind her sitting on my lap if she asks. It is when she sits next to me but half on top of me and starts wiggling over, so I end up squashed. Or I'm in the middle of eating or doing something and she will try to climb onto my lap. And God forbid that I try to go to the toilet.

It's nothing major, just the constancy wearing me down. And the bit that worries me is that I don't feel like I've had a break. DH is understandably caught up with his father at the moment, and we are spending as much time with them as we can. And it doesn't really feel like a holiday with everything that's happening. But at the back of my mind there's a little worry that we're almost going home, then it's back into it until July.

I just hope that being back home will mean the girls are a bit more settled and I become a human again, rather than a piece of the furniture.

Little Mirrors

You learn so much about yourself with little children. Yes the big things, like your priorities and values, but also the little every day things you never noticed.

• I brush my teeth in the shower, and thanks to Widget I know I rinse the brush several times.
• When getting very frustrated I put my hands over my face and take a deep breath (Widget).
• The next step is to point with both hands, a bit like a goal umpire (Widget again).
• I drink far too many cans (Midget, she goes straight for the little ring pull on top).
• I like using a particular brand of water bottle (Midget).
• I brush my hair back from my forehead when thinking (Midget).

Sugar, Honey, Icing, Tea

This is apparently what a playgroup Dad has taught his son to say instead of swearing. I have to admit I've never heard the boy saying this, and I think it's pretty much a joke.

Swearing, the perrenial favourite, came up at playgroup a few weeks ago. Amusing things fathers do was a big one, and the weird ways other people have dealt with it. Someone knew someone who had actually made their child eat hot chili. And what was even stranger, when the daughter called them on their swearing, they ate it too.

Several Mums were heard to say "Ooh no, I'm too much of a potty mouth for that."

Well obviously I'm the weird one.

Don't get me wrong, I swear, and Widget swears. But to me it's a signal of a couple of different things. Firstly it means I'm swearing way too much if she's copying it, so I need to rein it back. Secondly, I need to look at the times and ways she's using it.

Consistency is one of the things we all know we should strive for in our parenting. We have to be consistent with their behaviour, their routines, or it's all going to end in tears. So why doesn't that apply to us to? How can I expect behaviours out of my 3 year old that I don't expect from myself? Why should her language be more perfect than mine? Swearing is just one example of consistency for me, if I make a mistake I acknowledge it and apologise, if she has a like or dislike I take it into account, if she does something for me I thank her. In other words, she is a full member of this family with the same rights, and she doesn't have expectations put on her that I wouldn't expect from myself.

As for times and ways, well there's a level of personal comfort isn't there. Language is a defining human feature, if we drop something on our toe we're going to say something. In practical terms it doesn't matter if we say 'shit' or 'sugar,' the intent is the same. But who likes to hear a toddler swearing? But why tell her off for it? She already copies "Oh dear" from me, if I make the substitution she's going to follow pretty quickly. It's a really superficial way of looking at swearing, but it's just plain 'not nice.'

Sometimes it's definitely for attention, so that's definitely ignored!

The one thing that she will absolutely always get into trouble for is swearing at someone. Because that is about respect. It's never happened so far and I can't see it happening soon, because she's never been sworn at. Again, I'm not perfect and I get frustrated with her just as much as the next person. I know I've said things to her that aren't nice, but I don't swear at her and I apologise afterwards.

So what do I do when she swears? Mostly I adjust my behaviour, usually I ignore it, occasionally I tell her she doesn't need to say that, what else could she say? Basically I try to be consistent.

First day of school

For DH! I've been dreading it a bit because my lovely holiday is over too. And after a few rays of light in Darwin Midget is back to her old non-sleeping tricks. Something hit me really hard over the weekend and I was quite depressed, hopefully it's just the back to work thing.

We did well in the end, it was cool enough to spend the morning outdoors and Widget had a wonderful time playing with the hose. Midget is having so much fun now she can get around and explore everything on her own, she is another rock eater though. I remember pulling handfuls of gravel out of Widget's mouth.

Midget only did a 40 minute nap and Widget decided she just couldn't play all by herself, so she brought her books in. She was actually really good, but I wanted a break! I feel bad because I yelled at her, she didn't deserve that. But she spent the whole evening telling us "Play with me!" It's going to take her a bit to get used to only having one of us available again. She's done well without TV though. We didn't use it in Darwin because there were two of us and we were going out a lot, so I've just continued that here. We'll see how long that lasts.

Sometimes it really helps to consider SAHMing as my 'job' to stop me resenting the constant neediness. Sometimes that makes it worse, because it becomes a rut. At the moment I'm enjoying playing with my girls, they really are pretty special.

Food, glorious food

Woops.


We made a little mistake today and didn't keep track of what Widget was eating. Poor little thing managed to not eat from about 11am. And because it's holidays she isn't eating the best, so she had some cereal, a party sausage roll and a biscuit.


Around 3pm when we were trying to get ready to go out she was very whingy and we just got annoyed because we were in a hurry. We were getting photos of the girls which they did really well, then they played beautifully while DH was in an appointment. After that I was going to get a drink while we drove to dinner, which is when we suddenly realised she hadn't eaten in about five and a half hours. Not unreasonably she asked for something, but we were on the way to a restaurant. I found some emergency snacks in the car which she doesn't like, but the poor little thing was so hungry she ate about half of it.


She wouldn't have her drink, wouldn't do anything we asked, was just about in tears, yelling at us and Midget and kept telling us to leave her alone even when we were trying to help. I'm so glad we knew what was wrong, otherwise we would definitely have told her off.


We got to the restaurant and got her some garlic bread straight away, and a beautiful little girl appeared. Interestingly, she got the usual kids' meal of fish and chips but was asking for vegetables from our plates as well. She was a joy to be around for the rest of the evening, happy and playing. We walked down the street and got an icecream and she ate what she wanted and then stopped, saying she was full. I wish I had that sort of appetite control!


Now we've just got to get her to recognise when she's hungry, it's obviously not good to try and rely on Mummy and Daddy's memory.

Take a deep breath and start again.

Having a child really changed me. Not just in the obvious ways, but it changed the way I live and operate. I've always been into plans and been a bit of a control freak, while being completely disorganised physically I've always had a clear direction mentally.

Having a child meant that went out the window. Not without some angst, I never tried a routine but I did desperately worry over Widget's sleep (or lack thereof). I learnt to go with the flow, to enjoy things as they were happening and live not even one day at a time, but in 10 minute segments.

Having a second child and a toddler has changed it all again.

Midget sleeps no better than Widget did, but it doesn't worry me. Up until now I've just put her down when she is tired and not bothered about what time it is. (Although at the moment I'm trying to convince her that 6 months is too young to only have one nap!) We're actually getting a bit of a routine happening though. Not a time based one, but more cutting the day and week into segments. Mornings are outside, when it gets hot we come in for a play, during one of Midget's naps we do some cooking, then in the afternoon we do a bit of craft. Mondays we try to get out to daycare, Tuesday is swimming, Wednesday is a quiet day at home, Thursday daycare again and Friday is playgroup.

Paradoxically, while the overall scheme is becoming more organised, minute to minute is becoming more chaotic. A big part of that is exhaustion. 6 months without time off is taking its toll, especially with the late nights to have five minutes to myself. It's been hard to be consistent with Widget, because I always seem to be reacting to her behaviour. She's actually pretty amazing compared to other toddlers, but when you've put up with an annoying habit what feels like a million times a day for the last 6 months and can't even go to the toilet without refereeing it's pretty easy to snap.

So I've been doing a lot of deep breathing and starting again. Just because I've yelled, or snapped, or said the wrong thing I'm trying not to dwell on it and store it up for guilt, because that makes my next reaction worse. Just apologise and concentrate on doing it better this time. I'm also breaking things down into small bits I can cope with and looking for victories there. For example one of the things I struggle with is her reaction to being told no, the whining yell is so annoying it will flash me over to instant rage. But I feel bad telling her not to do it, because if she is upset I want her to be able to express that. So today we talked about how else she could express being very upset. We practiced her sad face, and saying 'Mummy I'm very very sad.' So now I feel like I have a bit of control, I have something to work on with her. I know it will take a while, but rather than saying "Don't" I can tell her what to do. Then we can work on the next thing.

Another thing I'm working on is to remember there are two of us in this. I heard a great suggestion about using coloured faces that I want to set up, so she knows what mood I'm in. So rather than getting snappier, I can change the face and she can see that the temper is fraying. And it can be linked to her or not - I can use it to warn her, or to say look I'm tired, so be careful.

Thinking Time

The other day I was putting clothes away in Widget's room and found Elmo in a drawer.

"Oh, look what I've found! What was Elmo doing all by himself in
there?"
"No, Mummy. Elmo was mean. He needs to think by himself."

Just for the record, I have never put Widget in a drawer. However we have started having 'thinking time' on her 'thinking spot' which is basically the kitchen. I started with her in front of a cupboard where I could see her, but she has chosen to hide in a corner and I'm not going to fight about it. It's usually more 'protection time' when I've just rescued her sister from being sat on.

It's always a big fight, it turns into lots of screaming and yelling. But I need the time for me to calm down. I doubt she's there for 3 minutes, but it just gives me enough time give Midget a hug then calm down and not yell at her. Then I go and talk to her and she has a hug.

I don't think she is actually getting anything from the talks, but maybe repetition will have something sink in. And it's a nice way to end a fight, with a calm quiet talk and a hug rather than yelling.

If it wasn't for the boobs, ...

I'd definitely be second in the popularity stakes.

Midget is completely, head over heels in love with Widget. Which is great, especially as Widget seems to love her right back. Of course she takes toys off her, but that is typical of being 3, and I'm amazed she hasn't done major damage with trying to move her around. She's just trying to love her, but it must be painful and often ends in tears, or at least grizzling and a rescue dash from the toilet.

However the boobs win, and Midget is just as much of an obsessive little sucker as Widget was (is!). Which really makes me wonder how on earth women who don't/can't feed cope. Obviously they find their own ways to solve problems, but it must be a very different way of raising a baby.

I didn't do it on purpose, but both my girls have been raised in a way fairly close to biologically normal. I purposely don't say natural, I think that's both a silly and nasty label, but I do try to step back when I'm frustrated and think about life on the savannah with the hunter/gatherers. Not in the sense of 'this is how it was done' - even chimps show cultural variation, so anything that could possibly be called human will have had it, which means that there is no such thing as the one true way. But more to work out why they are doing whatever is frustrating me, so if we were out there, what would our babies need?

Fairly obvious answer - to be carried, fed and protected. It doesn't have to be Mum doing these things, but in our current household I'm elected because of the boobs.

The girls are both snackers, in fact I sometimes think I encourage it, maybe I offer a feed when I want a bit of time on the computer *blush*. I think Midget's gone longer than 2 hours about 3 times in her life, and that's night and day. It doesn't worry me because Widget was the same, but when she went out and had other things to look at she didn't miss me, so it was convenience rather than starvation. They both feed/fed to sleep, and that's pretty much the only way I can get them to sleep. Again, when I wasn't available Widget would sleep happily for grandparents, so I know Midget would be fine if I wasn't around. Midget is in the bed and currently feeding a lot at night, I don't know how much because I'm asleep, but I'm getting frustrated at not being able to roll over so it's more than it used to be. And they both comfort feed. Widget has had a bad run the last couple of days with falling over and she's asked for feeds.

So just look how many things in a day would have to be done differently if I didn't breastfeed - all feeds, obviously, a couple of naps, settling during the night, comforting from a bump or overenthusiastic sister, grizzling, being overtired, and we haven't even hit teething or tantrums yet! Basically all Midget's needs except playing and nappy changing are based around the boobs. I would be a completely different parent if I couldn't or didn't use them, and it's something I find difficult to even imagine. (not worse, different)

I think this is something that needs to be said more openly by Mums and breastfeeding advocates. One of the reasons formula marketing is so successful is that we are accepting their definitions, and that's half the battle. The ONLY way in which formula can be compared to breastfeeding is as a food, so that is what they do. Or they have somehow turned it into a medication - for reflux, to make them sleep longer, or whatever other claims are made. And by concentrating on and answering those claims we are accepting them. Even the name - breastfeeding - agrees that it's all about food.

I know it's not so simple, because making your boobs available to your baby isn't just about getting them out. You also have to accept that your baby isn't manipulating you, and maybe they do know what they need. There is a lot of pressure not to give in and spoil them. But whenever there are a lot of things contributing to a problem, that also means there are a lot of opportunities to chip away slowly, and we can all just do the bits we feel comfortable with.

They're very yummy darling, but not for you.

When Widget was much younger she had a very distressing reaction to tomato, actually screaming as she wee'd because it burnt her. She was still in nappies and I would race to get it off her and get her into a trough or bath and run water over her. I wasn't too worried, (although obviously we cut out tomato!) because I know that fresh tomato reactions are relatively common. Plus we have geographic tongues running in my family and I noticed Widget had it too, and for most of us (including me) fresh tomato is a trigger.

As she got older we gradually re-introduced it in small amounts, and there seemed to be no more problems.

Now she toilets independently, and occasionally complains of being sore and is a bit red. We assumed it was because she doesn't wipe very well yet, and have been making an effort to help her and wash everything well. Then the other day she was extremely sore and red, crying when we tried to wash her.

That night I was flicking through a forum and read someone talking about their child reacting to salicylates with disturbed sleep.

The next day DH realised she had had a lot of strawberries lately, another common trigger, and I remembered the cherry tomatoes that she adores. That was when I realised that maybe the shocking sleep she'd had lately could also be connected. She often wakes up at night but generally goes back to sleep easily. This last week she's been staying awake literally for hours.

We cut out the strawberries and tomatoes, and lo and behold her bottom is better and that night she slept through. So it appears we still have a sensitivity, hopefully if she has any other triggers we will be aware and pick them up quicker. It's so difficult, who would guess that eating strawberries would stop her sleeping? She didn't complain of any pains or discomfort, and she's 3 - you expect little kids to have sleeping and toileting problems. It's also not immediate, but happens later that day or the next day as it works it's way through her system. I suppose we're lucky that it's so minor, although maybe if it was spectacular it would be easier to pick up.

At the same time it's important not to go too far the other way. The next day she was absolutely revolting after lunch, but when I checked what she'd eaten there was nothing she could possibly have reacted too. Darn it, sometimes they just behave like that. (And sometimes Mummy wishes she would have a nap.)

Sensitive little sponges - very scary

DH and I had a massive fight last night. No yelling or shouting, just lots of tension and avoiding each other until after the girls were in bed, then crying.

Widget woke up in the middle of the night and wouldn't go back to sleep for hours, she kept calling for both of us and asking me if I was there. I ended up putting her in the bed with DH because Midget woke up, so she and I spent the night in Widget's bed (which was really uncomfortable amongst the menagerie of stuffed animals).

Then today both of them have been disturbed. Midget grizzled every time she was put down and Widget re-discovered every annoying habit she's ever had, from climbing over the lounge to screaming, whinging and even hitting Midget. We had lots of good times too, but they were on edge.

DH came home at lunchtime to talk and Widget insisted on sitting on both of us. Luckily we did manage to sort things out so we're OK, but she wouldn't eat lunch and continued the behaviour. Luckily it was cool in the evening and we took them outside and had a good play and run around and they went to bed fairly easily and happily.

It's really scary how it affected them. We did our best not to show them and I would have said we acted normally with them, but they picked it up anyway. And of course I was exhausted and upset today, so I wasn't up to dealing with them the best. It makes me really sad for kids who come from tense homes long term - we've had maybe 2 fights in 3 years and work really hard to keep communication open and look what it did to them. Imagine poor little kids who are around that all the time.

I told you so.

Well this morning did not start well.

Widget woke up early, usually DH either gets her back to sleep or deals with her but of course not today. So I tried to get her to snuggle down with us but "Me need feed!" started. And went, and went and went. It's that struggle between peace and not giving in to whinging because next time will be worse. It was way too early for her to get up, plus I'd had Midget attached most of the night, and I really don't enjoy being woken up and whinged at! I tried all the usual things to get her to be quiet and in the end I got up, but that just prompted lots of screaming and crying. I finally got her calmed down and to accept the original deal, which was have a little sleep and then you can have a feed, but of course with all the fuss Midget was awake.

She was pretty happy so I still made Widget wait and "sleep" for about 2 minutes, then let her have a feed. It wasn't one of the nicer ones because I was so angry at her and kept getting whacked in the back by Midget who was doing the whole Wow! I've got arms! thing.

We got up, but by the time I grabbed Midget and walked out to the lounge Widget had knocked over an open drink bottle (water!) all over the floor, the arm of the lounge and the TV remote. We have a constant battle over water bottles, she needs to drink more and is usually pretty good about closing them, but whenever she doesn't it seems to be a major disaster with water everywhere. And now she was whinging for a DVD to watch.

I managed not to bite her head off and even got breakfast ready, but because I had Midget I didn't help Widget and she refused to eat it. So now she was tired and hungry, I was tired and angry, and Midget was just tired. I decided to play with Midget on the mat to try to do something different, and Widget joined in and we actually had a good time.

Unfortunately Widget decided she wanted to go outside just when Midget really needed a sleep. Because of the state she was in she went straight to whinging, but I managed to explain that I was getting Midget dressed. Widget stayed in the lounge and kept calling Muuum! Muuum! This is another battle - she's allowed to call once but then is supposed to come through and ask, not keep yelling. Again, she is usually pretty good at it, but the combined hunger, tiredness and anger guaranteed that it was not our morning. When I tried to get her to come through she threw herself down and cried, so I have no idea what she wanted. Eventually I put a DVD in for her (that's part of the normal routine when I'm putting Midget to bed) and went off with Midget. She was tired enough that she went straight off to sleep.

When I came out Widget had self-served herself an apple and the butter from the fridge, but luckily it wasn't everywhere. I've just cut it up for her (the apple!) and the TV remote seems to have dried out and is working again. So I'm taking a deep breath and going to start the morning again!

I just have this overwhelming need to say to her "See! I told you it was too early! You should have had a sleep and then none of this would have happened!"
This is definitely a time for ignoring some of the whinging and trying to catch her being good.

Me wuv big sister's baby

Awww.

How can you not love toddlers?

Well actually very easily when they're whinging for the thing you've just said no to, or kicking you, or looking you straight in the eye and doing it again.

So how do you not strangle them? I've actually got some ideas from teaching, and others I've muddled out.

• Take note every time they do something gorgeous - I've even been known to write a quick email to DH about comments like that, or write it in a journal, just to force myself to stop and appreciate how loving and wonderful she really is.
• Take photos! I have them on the computer as my screen saver, it can really break the tension if I'm wanting to yell at her so badly and suddenly behind her flashes up a picture of her dressed in her fairy outfit and flying hat as she takes the baby monster home to the moon (don't ask).
• Catch them being good, aka praise, praise, praise, praise. And I don't mean "good girl." I mean "I'm really glad you stopped when I asked," "That's such a help when you put those toys away," "Isn't it nice we have room to play now," "Thank-you for being gentle with Midget." Just about every one of those could be delivered with gritted teeth, you can imagine what she's just done previously. And don't ruin it by tacking somehing on the end, although I'm well known for adding "if you'd just done it the first time!"
• Keep track of your positives and negatives. I used to do it at school with marbles in my pockets - for every positive I put one in my right pocket, for a negative I put one in my left. The goal was to finish the lesson with more rights! You can tally it on a piece of paper or chalkboard. You find what you're looking for, so after a while you do start to see all the good things, not the "accidents."
• Reinforce all the good things. When I'm saying goodnight I go through all the things we did today, all the fun activities, and give her a compliment for each - You had so much fun painting!
• Decide on your goal. You can't make someone be happy, so don't be angry with them for being upset. If I want the toys cleaned up or her to get dressed I don't care what sort of attitude she's pulling. Nothing makes the situation worse like saying do it with a happy face, you just have a brand new fight starting there.
• Give them something nice to come back to. It's really common to flare up when they come back from a problem, they are still in negative mode or expecting punishment. So have something fun to do and ignore the button pushing. Giving them a hard time when you move on means you're doing exactly the same thing - you still feel angry, so let them off the hook if they do.
• Get really quiet. When I feel like yelling I try to consciously relax my face and speak very quietly. This is a physiological trick, it makes you calmer, plus it means I'm not helping the situation spiral out of control.

Of course it doesn't always work, I probably yell once a day on average, some days are less and some I'd rather not talk about. And they're things to strive for, not things I always manage to do! So my final strategy is be willing to say you're wrong. When you're calm again go and give them a cuddle and say you're sorry for being grumpy, then ask them to choose something they want to do.

What other ideas do you use?