Great Down Under Nappy Hunt

DH is back, Yay! I actually got a sleep this afternoon, so I'm only a little bit behind.
I've been trying to sort out my mini-hunt for the GDUNH all day. I only upload files twice a year for the hunt, so I had to get a new FTP application and try to remember how to do it. I've just set it all up and checked it and it works. Now I need some people who think the same way I do!

I've got a heap of nappies ready to go, I hope some of them sell. I could be in a bit of trouble though - I'm out of hemp and I'm supposed to be giving hemp inserts as bonuses with the pocket nappies! It should arrive this week, so fingers crossed. Honestly I'd love to have that problem, it's so depressing getting all these things ready then not selling any.

I finally got a photo organised of Widget. Here she is in the dress I made her. I was a bit upstaged because I made her a dress, then some frilly sequinny things arrived from her grandparents on the same day, then DH got home next day with a whole pile of Dora gear! My poor dress was a bit forgotten, so I made her put it on to take photos.

DH brought the giant crayon back, it's full of craft gear. We were actually hiding it so I could bring it out this week, but she found it and has been carrying it around all night.

Red Rooster is empowering

I have spent most of my adult life bordering on obese. My self-image is fat, but when I look at photos of myself as a kid I wasn't really. Must come from all that ballet and comparing myself to the other little girls. I've dieted a few times and got it down, but never completely and it's always crept back again.

When I had a child my perception of my body changed completely. I'd read a bit about separation of body and self, but then a friend made a comment while I was pregnant that really stuck with me. She said your body is doing an amazing thing - you are creating and nurturing a whole new person.

There is no separation of ME and MY BODY. It is all me. I cannot dislike or hate my body, because I cannot hate myself. The part of me that is my body has done awesome things - I have created and nurtured two children, I have opened and pushed them out into the world, I have sustained and grown them with my milk, I hold and comfort them when they need it or even just because we enjoy it. I have done other amazing things, including giving and taking pleasure as a lover. My husband and my children don't care what I look like, they need, enjoy and love me any way I am.

Since Widget started eating I've been a bit obsessive, just because I know what bad eating habits DH and I have and don't want to pass them on. So when he decided to lose weight I agreed and we began dieting with one of the well-known companies.

I don't know what the difference is, but we are finding it extremely easy. I've been going for 5 weeks now and it isn't a strain at all, it feels normal. It helps that we are supporting each other and are doing it for the right reasons, but there is also something different inside me. I don't feel deprived, even though I've cut right down on what I'm eating. I'm loving the difference that I can see, and of course it helps that other people are noticing and complimenting me. I'm finding that I feel in control rather than like I have rules I have to follow. I'm sure part of it is that I am in my own home and control what food is available. And being home means that I eat when I need to, rather than at set times.

The last few days have been tough on my own. I'm staying up far too late because after 15 hours with children attached I need a break, which makes me tired, which makes the next day harder. But today has been really good. It's Friday and although it was lovely of DH to stock the fridge up for me before he left, I'm sick of leftovers. So I planned to have takeaway. I don't feel guilty, I don't feel like I snuck something, have been naughty or have ruined anything. It was a planned decision and I thoroughly enjoyed it.

And that is very empowering.

I told you so.

Well this morning did not start well.

Widget woke up early, usually DH either gets her back to sleep or deals with her but of course not today. So I tried to get her to snuggle down with us but "Me need feed!" started. And went, and went and went. It's that struggle between peace and not giving in to whinging because next time will be worse. It was way too early for her to get up, plus I'd had Midget attached most of the night, and I really don't enjoy being woken up and whinged at! I tried all the usual things to get her to be quiet and in the end I got up, but that just prompted lots of screaming and crying. I finally got her calmed down and to accept the original deal, which was have a little sleep and then you can have a feed, but of course with all the fuss Midget was awake.

She was pretty happy so I still made Widget wait and "sleep" for about 2 minutes, then let her have a feed. It wasn't one of the nicer ones because I was so angry at her and kept getting whacked in the back by Midget who was doing the whole Wow! I've got arms! thing.

We got up, but by the time I grabbed Midget and walked out to the lounge Widget had knocked over an open drink bottle (water!) all over the floor, the arm of the lounge and the TV remote. We have a constant battle over water bottles, she needs to drink more and is usually pretty good about closing them, but whenever she doesn't it seems to be a major disaster with water everywhere. And now she was whinging for a DVD to watch.

I managed not to bite her head off and even got breakfast ready, but because I had Midget I didn't help Widget and she refused to eat it. So now she was tired and hungry, I was tired and angry, and Midget was just tired. I decided to play with Midget on the mat to try to do something different, and Widget joined in and we actually had a good time.

Unfortunately Widget decided she wanted to go outside just when Midget really needed a sleep. Because of the state she was in she went straight to whinging, but I managed to explain that I was getting Midget dressed. Widget stayed in the lounge and kept calling Muuum! Muuum! This is another battle - she's allowed to call once but then is supposed to come through and ask, not keep yelling. Again, she is usually pretty good at it, but the combined hunger, tiredness and anger guaranteed that it was not our morning. When I tried to get her to come through she threw herself down and cried, so I have no idea what she wanted. Eventually I put a DVD in for her (that's part of the normal routine when I'm putting Midget to bed) and went off with Midget. She was tired enough that she went straight off to sleep.

When I came out Widget had self-served herself an apple and the butter from the fridge, but luckily it wasn't everywhere. I've just cut it up for her (the apple!) and the TV remote seems to have dried out and is working again. So I'm taking a deep breath and going to start the morning again!

I just have this overwhelming need to say to her "See! I told you it was too early! You should have had a sleep and then none of this would have happened!"
This is definitely a time for ignoring some of the whinging and trying to catch her being good.

DH is away.

Actually had a pretty good day, very long though. Widget was almost brilliant with a few little hiccups. I need to get on to Weight Watchers (lost 7 kg so far!) and find out how many points I get for playing chasey with a 2 year old while carrying an 8kg baby.

Bedtime was fun - they both go to bed at the same time, usually DH does Widget and I feed Midget. Unfortunately Midget crashed an hour before bed, so she was wide awake! Widget had only just realised Daddy wasn't coming home, although she was more excited about me and Widget putting her to bed than sad. (I must find the sad face she did when I was out at bedtime a week ago. DH had to take a photo so she could show me how sad she was.)I'd explained to her that if Midget got upset I would have to go out and calm her down, I was just next door etc. but of course as soon as I had to go out it started - Mum, Mum! Muuum! MUUM! MUUUUUM!

I was so frustrated I ended up slamming the door as hard as I could, and speaking in a very loud, annoyed voice (although not actually screaming). It was actually good in a way because I realised she was boiling hot and changed the quilt, and they both went to sleep fairly easily after that. In fact Midget hasn't called out again, which is unheard of.

I feel bad, because she is only 2 and had her entire routine put out and her father isn't here. It wasn't actually anything to do with her, it was the fact that I hadn't had a break at all and was getting to the end of my energy. So all I can do is try to do better tomorrow, and hope that she will understand what is going on so it will be easier.

And it's not even lunch time!

1. Midget has dreadlocks. She has fairly long, baby-fine hair and the back has gone all fuzzy and knotted.
2. We were outside and Widget was walking around a pole, wrapping a piece of rope around it. Suddenly she announced she was stuck - she'd managed to wrap her t-shirt around it too and couldn't move.
3. I left Midget on the change table and put the nappies in the laundry, then decided to put a load on. Widget came running and told me Midget was all clean. I went back into the bedroom and she was suspiciously damp, but there wasn't water all over the place.

"Did you wash Midget?"

"Yes! All over!"

"Did you wash her face?"

"Yes! All her face!"

"Where's the bottle?" (of water I use for wipes)

"Yes! Whole bottle!"

"Darling, what did you wash?"

"Whole bottle! Wash Midget's tummy, wash Midget's face, wash bed, wash toys, wash floor, wash table."

"Thank you sweetheart."

What else do you say? It wasn't too bad, she'd used a hemp cloth and that had soaked most of it up. I've spent a lot of this morning laughing.

Work, sleep, or family?

Following on from Michelle's comment ...

I hadn't thought about maternity leave. I had a fairly generous entitlement (for Australia), 14 weeks paid and I chose to have 12 months off. There was a 6 year option I could have taken, and in that case I could have swapped with DH as we both had the same employer. So we would have been allowed to have one of us on leave for 6 years, unpaid but our positions would be held. In the end I chose to resign, mainly because I know that as a maths/science teacher in the country I am a rare commodity so I'll always be able to get a job.

In some ways it's, hmmm, annoying? I'm good at my job, I have been studying as well so have a Master's degree, I've done various extra bits of training in staff management and I'm more experienced than 90% of teachers in the type of area we live in. But if I go back I'll still end up at the bottom of the rung and have to start climbing again. So that's part of the reason I'm looking at other jobs. I'm passionate about education, but I feel there are better ways for me to promote better education than being in a classroom.

And it's not luck that we can afford for me to stay home. We have a careful plan for our finances, our lifestyle and our future. Of course it's flexible, but it's something we have worked hard at.

But parental leave and those sorts of choices are only the beginning of the problem. Remember Labour Day? It's not just a holiday, it's meant to celebrate the 40-hour work week. How many people do that today? I don't know actual figures, but I do know that the sorts of hours we work in Australia are actually illegal in Germany. Yes, companies have to have special permission and agreements to work over 40 hour weeks. Most professionals in Australia work at least 50 hour weeks, 70 hours is not unusual. Tradesmen, especially if they are self-employed, work similar hours. Small business owners work pretty much all day every day.

So where are our families? If you're working a 70 hour week you don't have a weekend. You don't have time in the afternoon with your toddlers. There are only so many things you can physically do, so how many of us are making the choice between family and sleep? And why on earth did we decide that work was the most important?

I'm not one to talk, I'm under completely self-inflicted pressure. I am a SAHM to a toddler and a new baby, plus I'm trying to run a business and a couple of blogs, plus I have a plan for the future I want to get started on. I know I'm never going to get it to more than a hobby unless I get serious about time, but I'm not prepared to put my kids into care. So instead of doing the sensible thing, I'm staying up until all hours.

I'm sure a sociologist could give us the answers, it probably has something to do with the 80s and the global recession, plus a hefty dose of the protestant work ethic. And unfortunately the last few months means that it isn't the best time to make decisions that could affect us financially. But maybe it's time for us, as a society, to have a good hard look at our priorities. And the only way I know to do that is for us to start as individuals.

Making things hard for ourselves

I've been thinking about this, given the support I've needed from DH recently and also listening to other mothers. We really do make things harder than we need to. But we're not the only ones missing out, because what is happening is that so many of us are not allowing our husbands to be fathers.

I'm not blaming women, we really do need to stick together and support each other so I wouldn't do that, and I don't see many men pushing us out of the way so they get their turn. So both parents are definitely to blame, if that's even the right word. And we've all seen the reports and stats that show women do more housework and childcare even if they are also working outside the home. (Honesty makes me admit I don't. DH does almost all the cleaning and cooking, and I sleep in as much as the Midget lets me on weekends.) But I don't think most husbands are lazy or incompetent. And I don't think their wives just let them get away with it.

So why is it happening?

Women almost always stay home for at least a little while with a new baby, while a lot of men don't get that luxury. Even those who have leave seem to end up doing the cooking and cleaning while we sit there and feed, feed, feed. Then they go back to work and we have time and no audience to work out how to change nappies, stop the vomit going everywhere, support the baby's head, respond to it crying, work out when it's tired, help it go to sleep, calm it when it's overtired, help it fart or burp, and all the other intimate things we've never realised babies have to learn how to do. Be honest - who hasn't knocked their baby's head on a doorway or car roof? Who hasn't had their baby roll off some piece of furniture you thought they were safe on? Who hasn't, in some way, messed it up or done something really embarrassing? But unless we choose to tell, most of them can stay our little secret.

Our husbands, on the other hand, have to do it all publicly. They have to learn to change nappies when we've had all week to master that skill and are now an expert. They have to put the baby in the car seat with a hormonal new mother hovering behind them. They've walked in the door from work and been handed a baby but not the nappy to go over their shoulder. (Midget is 4 months and I still forget, I was much better organised with Widget.)

So we're hormonal and can't stand to be separated from our babies, can't stand to hear them cry. We're proud of all the new skills we've learnt. We want everything to be perfect and don't allow for our husband's learning curve to be so far behind our own. And there you have a combination of us stepping forward and our husbands' stepping back.

And it only gets worse. Once you've taken something on (or given something up) it gets harder to make changes. So as the kids get older it continues. Discipline is a big one, especially with toddlers. We all know we should present a united front, but how many of us find a way to make the time to talk to each other and come up with a plan? So in the end it goes with majority rules, and Mum has the majority because she is there the most. I've even heard women complaining that their husbands' expect a say in which school their children go to - Of course they should! They are a parent too!

Dad's should be allowed, and should be trusted, to make decisions about their children. I think one of the reasons so many of them seem to make bad decisions (judging from the complaints about food, sunburn, tiredness etc) is that they haven't had to learn the way we have. We've all made mistakes and had to deal with the consequences, unfortunately many of the consequences seem to happen on a Monday when Dad is safely at work.

I don't know what the answer is, or rather I think there are as many answers as there are relationships. A good place to start is awareness, because if you don't recognise the problem you can't fix it. So two things to always keep in mind (or if you're an ex-school teacher, make into a poster and hang on the fridge):

Ladies: Fathers have all the same rights as you do!
Gentlemen: Fathers have all the same responsibilities as their wives!